WOMEN!!

The persons or events in this work are Fictitious. No similarity to actual persons or predators, living or dead, is intended or should be inferred.

In this work, I attempt to divulge things Women do, intentionally or unintentionally, among others.

“Women speak two languages - one of which is verbal.” ~William Shakespeare

Well, these are the words of Shakespeare himself! And the meaning is pretty clear!
How many times has any “Man” experienced a “Woman” breaking a queue? Be it at a cinema or in college? I’m sure every “man” has experienced that at least once. It so happened with me yet again! I was in a lengthy queue at the post office. I’d been waiting for around 45 minutes, and was finally 4^th from the counterJ, when a woman (quite good-looking) came up to the Man standing in front of me and said “Hey could you please post this for me, I am in a hurry!!”.I was bewildered! I began to think, “Does this woman think that all of us, “queue people”, are jobless and like standing in the queue?” Surely not! Just as the very humble and simple man could answer, Thank Lord, a wise old “Man” standing behind me replied, “We all are in a hurry, but like everybody else, we have been waiting in the queue to get our turn!” Her look was a one to see at that time!!
But the question is why she asked that poor simple fellow!? Well, the answer is simple! “Easy prey”! The sweet smile being the potent weapon! Someone precisely put it in words:

“The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.”

Women are indifferent not only to men but to their fellow beings too! Let me bear this out by considering a scenario. There is a classroom with people from both the sexes. Now a beautiful woman walks in. Now let me make that even better, she is making an excellent fashion statement. Top that, ladies! There is no doubt that she will get ogled upon by “men” but what is weird that even “women” stare at her. They don’t like the fact that another woman can be more beautiful or more fashionable than her. They just can’t take it! They become upset as “men” no longer look at them and they are no longer the centre of attraction.

“It upsets women to be, or not to be, stared at hungrily.” ~Mignon McLaughlin,
“Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women.” ~Elsa Schiaparelli

Now consider the example of the Slumdog Millionaire fame, Freida Pinto. Till now, I haven’t met even a single female who likes her or at least doesn’t HATE her. Poor thing! She is what you associate how a typical Indian homely girl would look like, a bit dark and sweet J But NO!! Women just hate her so much. They’re always criticising her looks and cribbing about her grabbing top notch brands like L’Oreal! This confirms that women just can’t see their fellow sex get successful. Jealousy, envy my friends!

“I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.” ~Madonna
“Envy is the art of counting the other fellow's blessings instead of your own.” ~Harold Coffin

And then there is shopping! Women just can’t get enough of it! A new dress everyday if they’d had their way. It is only after the institution called marriage that they seem to change, and I think the credit goes to “The Man”.
“You’re the Man!!”

Shopping is one thing but telling about it to ALL her friends is another.
“Hey I bought these awesome high heels.”; “hey did you see my new black dress”; “I bought a Louis Vuitton bag!!”; “What about the fluorescent t-shirt” “And how about the pink socks” Oh God stop! At least spare men! On hearing all this, other women get equally excited as the “story teller”; they get what you call a “vicarious” experience! But the thing is, on the inside they get freaking jealous and whenever they get the chance they go out and try to out buy the other woman. And then tell her about the same. And even tell men about it.

Blabbering comes naturally to every woman on the planet! They just don’t seem to stop! They’re the ones paying the heftiest of phone bills! See the Aircel TV advt. for example! (The one in which a young lady keeps blabbering and the poor guy doesn’t even get to speak in the whole commercial)

Possessive, Overprotective! Yes they are! The “Boyfriends” always get this. Each and every day! Why? Perhaps, they know what other fellow women are capable of! It is not just limited to their “boyfriends”, but extends to their friends who are girls “Why do you talk to her? I don’t like her! Stop talking to her!!”; “Why didn’t you tell me before? How could you?”

“All men are the same”; “All of them are dogs!” They’re always complaining. Well, lady get a grip of yourself! It is just that we all think alike! J And let me tell you that the guy you’re with, does exactly what other men do! So don’t say that “my guy” is different!! And I’m not talking about cheating or anything! We just look at “other” women. We can never shy away from looking at the kind described as under:

“She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.” ~Woody Allen

One more thing which the women cannot do is: DRIVE! They’re crazy behind the wheel. Some people say “young boys” drive rash! Well, I got news for them! Look at the “young girls” or rather any “women” for that matter. How many times has it happened, that somebody in a car, who was ahead of you, was driving insanely, either too rash or too slow or right in the middle of the road, and she turned out to be a woman? Hahahah.. You see the truth?

I don’t know why, but women don’t like THE GODFATHER!!! How can somebody not like The Godfather! That just amazes me! Blame it to weird choice or weird species!

“Sicilian women are as dangerous as shotguns” ~ Don Vito Corleone

Indeed, they are, Godfather!

Some quotes worth mentioning!

“You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs. All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping.” ~Cindy Crawford

“Men get laid, but women get screwed.” ~Quentin Crisp

ENGINEERING meri Jaan!

“Aarre tu bhi engineer.. hahaha.. main bhi.. chal lets go have tuborg and talk about this!”

Once upon EVERY time A said to B, “hey man! I’m an engineer. How about you?” B replied “Oh me too!” Then there was C, who was just passing by, heard their conversation and uttered “Me three”. All of them then looked at each other and burst out!

Oh Yes! This is the most hackneyed scenario these days. Once only a “dream” profession which only a few “Elite” achieved now has become a most plebeian. Choose any field, an engineer would certainly be there! Be it MBA Colleges, Administration, BPOs, Technical Companies (No more a job of those with BSc/MSc degree! I pity you guys), Consultancies, Tax Auditing companies, Banks, Stocks, etc. You name it we are there to haunt!

I think 95% of the fraternity is preparing for CAT! Coaching Institutes like TIME, IMS, Career Launcher, Career Forum, Career Point, MJ Academy, BT, etc are all thriving because of us. All of them have their own “Engineering Batch” and not something like a “Commerce Batch” or an “Arts Batch”. Many of the people who run these “educational centres” are also Engineers who somehow managed to do MBA from IIMs or thereof. There is no escaping from “us”, the Fraternity.

What is shocking is that even Banks are now seeing people from the fraternity! The fraternity over there is hidden from the public’s eye. They are given a tag of a “Probationary Officer”. While this is meant for any Graduate, so as we’re “Graduates”, we pounce even on this piece of meat! Even though we know nothing about this meat. Whether it is Chicken’s or Cow’s or Pig’s! The fraternity practices “Leave no stone untouched!” So we have people from the fraternity even in the banks. Now we are Bankers too!

Most people getting through the tough IAS are again from the fraternity! Many people working in BPOs (Call Centres) are from the fraternity too.

As the fraternity is so widespread, Recession was ought to hit us the most! I’m sure someone from the fraternity must’ve been working with Lehmann Brothers’, who somehow managed to cause their downfall and in turn World Economic Meltdown! We are our own Nemesis!

Are you an Engineer? Well then don't be surprised! We all are!

The fraternity is drastically hit by the Slowdown! Be it Tech, Non-Tech, most of the jobs have got deferred or cancelled. Those who have joined or are joining soon are lucky! And for all those among the fraternity who are “Berozgaar” as of now, whatever the reason maybe, the advice being given by others around them is “Prepare for CAT’09” Well that is what I, one among the fraternity is doing! It’s not at all a bad advice! I say it rocks and it’s sensible too! So this time around the fraternity will go all out for CAT, which is their only ray of hope! So, junior members of the fraternity beware of your “Berozgaar” senior members. We come to KILL THE CAT! I would suggest get a job which will certainly give you the joining and anyways good times lay ahead, which Mr. Barrack Obama also pointed out. Getting any of the PSUs will be quite awesome. Anyways you will have plenty of time to prepare for CAT or other things when you’re in it so no worries. What is even better is the Godly thing called “The Sixth Pay Commission” While people called The Others’ ward off! Well of course not all! But we all know that among the toppers are mostly from the Fraternity. And this time we have no other option but to do just that yet again!

The term “Engineer” is highly romanticised! Ever Since School days, every innocent child is fed with this dream, “Be an Engineer beta!” We among the fraternity like innocent souls make IIT as our dream! Join 2-years coaching for competitive exams. We give exams where around a million people appear (AIEEE). Those who make it through IITJEE, Good for them! Those who just miss that land up in the next best colleges in India like the DCE (I’m 2009 pass-outJ), NITs, etc. I still remember that I was so happy on getting admission into DCE, unknowing of what lies ahead! I thought I’m just realising the Engineering Dream!

The problem with Engineering is that there are way too many engineering colleges in every nook and corner, which is Good as well as Bad! We’re like this exploding nuclear bomb which wouldn’t stop for nothing! So we the fraternity have a technical problem that we have to touch every stone! We cannot leave anything untouched! So The Others’, who simply hate us, have to understand that we can’t help it! We don’t have a choice it’s a compulsion!

Another issue with Engineering is that every other Engineering College has a different Marking Scheme. While my College, DCE had weighted percentage system, the Pune University has just simple percentage, IITs have CGPA, NITs have CGPS, etc. One more thing, those among the fraternity who’ve done their Engineering from any of Southern Indian universities must be having some hell of marks! 80% is the average guy over there! Or maybe below average! And I’m not exaggerating! Studies revealed that their real percentage compared to colleges which give “normal” scores will be P-28.88%, where P is the Percentage marks obtained in Southern Indian Universities. This extra percentage does help them in many ways and obviously proves as a nemesis for other members of the fraternity. They clear the cut-offs everywhere! Consider someone from Timbuktoo University scoring 75% and one from DCE scoring 65%, and let’s say the cut-offs for some company is 70%. Rest is obvious!

Even their applications for MS get noticed because of their academics! Why do you think there is whole lot of south Indian guys in US universities? It’s not just the Engineering colleges in southern India, but a lot more stupid colleges all over! The point is there should be a common grading/rating system so that there is no prejudice of any sort! And a Tinnu from Kolhapur University doesn’t come and tell a Minnu from Tiruchirapalli University that he scored more than her!(Minnu is a female J)

We Engineers have breached every boundary and haven’t let any stone untouched! MS (from Abroad) is again the “in” thing these days among the fraternity. MS is Masters of Science, and not Masters of Engineering! We’ve exploited the 16yrs of Formal education rule applicable to Universities abroad. This rule doesn’t allow B.Sc people to do MS straightaway after Graduating, as BSc is for 3yrs, so in all 12+3=15! However, this rule is changing somewhat but holds true in 8/10cases! MS is not a bad option, in fact a very good one! But I have my doubts during this time of Slowdown when India & China are the places to be! Here I would like to admit that I too had a plan of pursuing MS, but things didn’t fall into place then so dropped the idea for good!

People, not belonging to the fraternity, ask me which branch do I come from. I do reply back, but I know very well that the branch doesn’t really matter that much! Be it Computers, Electronics, Mechanical, Whatever etc, most would get a Software job, if not then a consultancy, only a few join Core companies, rest pursue their MBA dream! So it doesn’t really matter! At the end of the day everyone out there would like to be a Manager after some point of time. Even those “Techies” become one soon after.

A special mention over here goes to the sect among the fraternity called the Electronics & Communication Engineers. Well at my time of admission, this was the most sought after branch! They used to tell me, “If you take this you can go anywhere you want! You can go into Software or Hardware.” Well let me tell you that none will happen for a normal student! You can never excel to reach the level needed by the handful of companies of Hardware! Even if you reach that level it is so intriguing that you would commit suicide! As of Software, well we know a little but not enough! So we’re nowhere in the end!

An Electronics Engineer once said “I know C, but I can’t C (see) myself in a software company. I know nothing about BJTs, JFETs, MOSFETs, nor anything about communication, I barely pass that one! What is left is.....“