Once a year, every year!

It's part of the New Year ritual – an annual attempt to start afresh and turn over a new leaf. But making resolutions is a near pointless exercise.

"New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual." ~Mark Twain

On January 2^nd, every year, millions of people begin the annual ritual of New Year's Resolutions. Memberships at health clubs and diet programs soar in the following weeks. Sales of Chocolates, alcohol, cigarettes are at their lowest in January.

"Time for a new beginning?"

Despite all the ballyhoo, by February, almost everybody gives up on their “New Year’s Resolutions”. They remain no more than a dim memory. So, the pertinent question here is not “Why not make New Year’s Resolutions?”, but “Why NOT make New Year’s resolutions?” I’d say, just to avoid the overwhelming guilt feeling which comes once you start “not keeping” them, as if you didn’t feel guilty enough!

New Year’s resolutions are far easier to make than they are to keep. “Guilt” is a cardinal when it comes to New Year’s resolutions. One makes these resolutions to overcome the guilt of past failures! Whether being out of shape or out of touch, or out of luck, it’s all got to do with guilt. What is even more interesting is that guilt is the root cause to the failure of one’s resolutions. The guilt of impending failure, the guilt of not being up to it. And too much guilt is never good!

To thwart any further guilt on one’s conscience, I’ve come up with an ingenuous gray idea, which is in between “make” and “not make”. Why not make resolutions which you’re certain that you could accomplish. J Like eating Chicken atleast once a week, every week! J That way you could stay cheerful knowing that you’re living up to your resolutions and perhaps even happier because you’re having “awesome” chicken. And top that staying healthy! Aaah peace of mind!

"A dog's every New Year's Resolution: I will not chase that stick unless I actually see it leave his hand!”

And we all know that it never lives up to it!

There is a great deal in this world to distress upon with, I believe we could do away with atleast one of them! My point here is, make resolutions, but only those you’re sure to keep! Avoid yourself with all the guilt which would come with not keeping New Year’s resolutions! A little extract from the result of a research, is sure of offering a fresh perspective

“Recent research shows that while 52% of participants in a resolution study were confident of success with their goals, only 12% actually achieved their goals”

So trust me on this! Unless you’re Chuck Norris, which I’m sure you’re not, (because it is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father and the most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself) make these gray resolutions! For staying happier rather than repenting on why you broke your resolution.

These “gray” resolutions are by far, easier to live upto. And thus making you merrier! What is even better is that these maybe a little funny, so enabling you to start your New Year with a atleast a laugh! What’s better than that? These gray ones can be funny, random and innovative at the same time! Far better than those dull, hard to keep ones! It can vary from chewing your toothbrush while brushing your teeth (now don’t tell me you’ve never done that or don’t like it) to spotting a UFO or Sasquatch in your locality, and telling only your best friends about it! Now won’t that make you happy?

Just to persuade all of you, here are a few “gray” resolutions you might want to keep:

> Procrastinate more

> Cut/grow your hair

> Atleast have one meal at a new restaurant, if not weekly then monthly. And top that by having a new dish everytime.

> Not tell the same story to every other person at a party(Women).

> Chew more Orbit!

> Text from your “un” deft hand.

> Take neither the author of this crap nor any of the above seriously!

“May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!” ~ Joey Adams

WOMEN!!

The persons or events in this work are Fictitious. No similarity to actual persons or predators, living or dead, is intended or should be inferred.

In this work, I attempt to divulge things Women do, intentionally or unintentionally, among others.

“Women speak two languages - one of which is verbal.” ~William Shakespeare

Well, these are the words of Shakespeare himself! And the meaning is pretty clear!
How many times has any “Man” experienced a “Woman” breaking a queue? Be it at a cinema or in college? I’m sure every “man” has experienced that at least once. It so happened with me yet again! I was in a lengthy queue at the post office. I’d been waiting for around 45 minutes, and was finally 4^th from the counterJ, when a woman (quite good-looking) came up to the Man standing in front of me and said “Hey could you please post this for me, I am in a hurry!!”.I was bewildered! I began to think, “Does this woman think that all of us, “queue people”, are jobless and like standing in the queue?” Surely not! Just as the very humble and simple man could answer, Thank Lord, a wise old “Man” standing behind me replied, “We all are in a hurry, but like everybody else, we have been waiting in the queue to get our turn!” Her look was a one to see at that time!!
But the question is why she asked that poor simple fellow!? Well, the answer is simple! “Easy prey”! The sweet smile being the potent weapon! Someone precisely put it in words:

“The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.”

Women are indifferent not only to men but to their fellow beings too! Let me bear this out by considering a scenario. There is a classroom with people from both the sexes. Now a beautiful woman walks in. Now let me make that even better, she is making an excellent fashion statement. Top that, ladies! There is no doubt that she will get ogled upon by “men” but what is weird that even “women” stare at her. They don’t like the fact that another woman can be more beautiful or more fashionable than her. They just can’t take it! They become upset as “men” no longer look at them and they are no longer the centre of attraction.

“It upsets women to be, or not to be, stared at hungrily.” ~Mignon McLaughlin,
“Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women.” ~Elsa Schiaparelli

Now consider the example of the Slumdog Millionaire fame, Freida Pinto. Till now, I haven’t met even a single female who likes her or at least doesn’t HATE her. Poor thing! She is what you associate how a typical Indian homely girl would look like, a bit dark and sweet J But NO!! Women just hate her so much. They’re always criticising her looks and cribbing about her grabbing top notch brands like L’Oreal! This confirms that women just can’t see their fellow sex get successful. Jealousy, envy my friends!

“I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.” ~Madonna
“Envy is the art of counting the other fellow's blessings instead of your own.” ~Harold Coffin

And then there is shopping! Women just can’t get enough of it! A new dress everyday if they’d had their way. It is only after the institution called marriage that they seem to change, and I think the credit goes to “The Man”.
“You’re the Man!!”

Shopping is one thing but telling about it to ALL her friends is another.
“Hey I bought these awesome high heels.”; “hey did you see my new black dress”; “I bought a Louis Vuitton bag!!”; “What about the fluorescent t-shirt” “And how about the pink socks” Oh God stop! At least spare men! On hearing all this, other women get equally excited as the “story teller”; they get what you call a “vicarious” experience! But the thing is, on the inside they get freaking jealous and whenever they get the chance they go out and try to out buy the other woman. And then tell her about the same. And even tell men about it.

Blabbering comes naturally to every woman on the planet! They just don’t seem to stop! They’re the ones paying the heftiest of phone bills! See the Aircel TV advt. for example! (The one in which a young lady keeps blabbering and the poor guy doesn’t even get to speak in the whole commercial)

Possessive, Overprotective! Yes they are! The “Boyfriends” always get this. Each and every day! Why? Perhaps, they know what other fellow women are capable of! It is not just limited to their “boyfriends”, but extends to their friends who are girls “Why do you talk to her? I don’t like her! Stop talking to her!!”; “Why didn’t you tell me before? How could you?”

“All men are the same”; “All of them are dogs!” They’re always complaining. Well, lady get a grip of yourself! It is just that we all think alike! J And let me tell you that the guy you’re with, does exactly what other men do! So don’t say that “my guy” is different!! And I’m not talking about cheating or anything! We just look at “other” women. We can never shy away from looking at the kind described as under:

“She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.” ~Woody Allen

One more thing which the women cannot do is: DRIVE! They’re crazy behind the wheel. Some people say “young boys” drive rash! Well, I got news for them! Look at the “young girls” or rather any “women” for that matter. How many times has it happened, that somebody in a car, who was ahead of you, was driving insanely, either too rash or too slow or right in the middle of the road, and she turned out to be a woman? Hahahah.. You see the truth?

I don’t know why, but women don’t like THE GODFATHER!!! How can somebody not like The Godfather! That just amazes me! Blame it to weird choice or weird species!

“Sicilian women are as dangerous as shotguns” ~ Don Vito Corleone

Indeed, they are, Godfather!

Some quotes worth mentioning!

“You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs. All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping.” ~Cindy Crawford

“Men get laid, but women get screwed.” ~Quentin Crisp